So much has changed in the past few years for me, and I think I’m ready to share some of what I felt with the world. Along with many people, I have also suffered from depression and anxiety. In fact, There are times that I still face anxiety based panic attacks. But it has improved for me remarkably thanks to the love and support of my family, my friends and a fantastic psychologist that helped me develop tools to manage my own conditions. I have been medication free for years now, and have not had any depressive thoughts in any of that time. So yeah, I know that people can get though it.

For those that know me well, a few were shocked to know what dark thoughts I was feeling because I have always been known to laugh the loudest and the most. Forever smiling. There is a saying that ‘those that laugh the loudest – cry the hardest’. For me: That was very true. There were days I struggled while driving home alone, trying not to turn my steering wheel of my car into the barrier on the side of the freeway.

At my lowest, The darkness enveloped me in such a manner, I saw no way out. So I wrote some of my feelings down. And today I will share some of them. I am keeping the darkest for myself as I don’t feel that I want to share every part of my soul. And quite frankly, I don’t want my kids to read my suicidal thoughts that once plagued my mind. Remember, I have made it out of this with a renewed sense of happiness.

The following is one of the short poems I wrote to try and rid these inner thoughts from myself. This was one that I wrote as I was learning to manage my deperssion, and seeing a way out.

 

The Abyss:

Fear is the darkness enveloping the light,

The unknown, unfamiliar who brings us to fight or flight,

Loneliness is the loss of an emotional connection,

The time too long spent on personal reflection,

Anger is the self-loathing of our own reactions,

Holding on to disappointment causes such selfish distractions,

Depression is the pooling of envy and disappointment,

The wretched feeling of being unable to look past reserved contentment,

Why hold on to feelings that take away love, hope and bliss,

When the result is eternal suffering in your own dark abyss?!

 

 

Thanks for reading, I might add a few more soon.

Lilith xo