So this adventure of mine actually happened last Halloween. It still makes me cringe, though, and my friends laugh at me every time they are reminded of just how much of a clutz I can be. This is one of the many, many reasons why I have been dubbed the awkward adult.

 

So I was putting my new candles in my room and had to cringe as I thought back to Thursday’s grocery shopping trip, and how I came to purchase my goodies.

For anybody that knows me, you know that Shopping is a pet hate at the best of times. The closer it gets to Christmas – the more I would rather shave my legs with a blunt rusty razor and dip them in acid than fight the crowds of suddenly vicious little old pensioners. But…I have a passion for all things horror, and Halloween is about the only time of the year that I can get a vast variety of super cool decorations for my abode. So when I saw that my local supermarket was selling some kick ass candles shaped like gravestones and evil pumpkins etc, I knew I was going to have to stop on my way home from work.

So after a day of dealing with what has been a fun yet trying cheeky teenager in my workshop all day, I was already exhausted and a little on edge. All I kept thinking about the closer to finish time was ‘will there be any candles left’? A legitimate question considering Australia is having an identity crisis and is confusing itself with America. (Don’t even get me started on why we should not be celebrating Halloween in Australia on 31stOct – that rant will come with full education on pagan festivals later I’m sure) Anyhow, so I was pretty on edge wanting to make sure I get those candles and oh yeah, you know some food and crap so the family can live for another week…Thus, my extreme shopping trip began.

So I started my fateful trip by getting the number one important product for the week…coffee, which just happened to be across from the Halloween stand where all things kooky, evil looking and glorious was displayed. I quickly scanned the display and found a box with three lonely candles perched on top looking like they were begging me to take them home. I was thinking, Shit, only three left, thank god I got here when I did. And I manoeuvred my trolley (that was clearly possessed as it wanted to go in its own direction) and practically skidded to a grinding halt in front of my desired location. Unfortunately so did a sweet little old lady. We both looked at each other and smiled, but that’s when things turned nasty. Now normally, I would always give way to my elders because well, my mother brought me up right, and I would get a clip over the ears if I didn’t.  But She was an exception. I really, really wanted those damn candles. Seems little Miss Not-So-Sweet-After-All had the same idea. So thinking quickly, I put the trolley between us and launched myself into the box in a full body slam that resulted in what I would now reflect on as a rather large mistake.

Firstly, the trolley was possessed remember, so it rolled back at me half way through my launch. (Although I suspect that the devil’s advocate in a summer print dress was assisting this in a rather subtle fashion) This meant that I ended up with the front end of the trolley wedged in my boots with the buckles somehow fusing with the wires of the trolley – Of course! To add insult my wallet chain that connects from my belt buckle to my wallet that is squeezed in my back pocket had somehow become magnetic and found its way around the corner of the display box, where it wrapped itself around the corner about four times – How even is that possible? Furthermore, whilst leaning into the box to snatch my prizes, my necklace got caught in the cardboard leaving my literally stuck head first in the display. So basically by left leg was attached to an evil trolley trying to find its own way into the next isle, by right ass cheek was practically fused to the display and my head was now part of the Halloween display itself. I looked like I was strung up in a spider web of spikes and chains. As I struggled to be released from the traps fate had set me (Or probably Karma), I noticed two things. Number one, there were rows and rows of more candles in the bottom of that display box, so I had no need to panic and launch myself into it in the first place, and secondly, that the little old lady was now laughing so had she was doubled over…then she whips out her phone and takes a picture of me spread-eagled in the middle of the Halloween decor.

So when I finally managed to untangle myself (Yeah, thanks for the help Evil Pensioner lady), I took my candles straightened up, stood up tall (as tall as all 5f4 of me could get), snatched a candle tin for good measure and left with my head held high. Unfortunately, I was also left with a sore ass cheek and a not so subtle limp in my left leg. I hobbled through the aisles and quickly as I could and left as soon as I had everything on my list.

So if any of you happen to be heading past the supermarket in the next few days, could you be a peach and pick up my dignity, I seem to have lost it in the Halloween section! Thanks a bunch.

Lilith xo