‘Face your fears’ they say.
‘What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ they say.
Sigh! I guess I should go back to the beginning. As we grow up we learn the heartbreaking reality that we are, in fact, not immune to our own fears as we once believed we would be. Usually, fears tend to stem from some sort of incident or occasion where said fear develops. The oxford dictionary describes fear as ‘a bad feeling you have when you are in danger’, ‘when something bad might happen or when a particular thing frightens you’.
Now most kids develop a fear of the dark due to watching a scary movie, then hearing a strange noise and not being able to see what caused it. I did not develop such fear. Actually, I quite like the dark as I can naturally see quite well without a light source. So I found myself rolling my eyes at kids when I was younger. I just didn’t understand how a simple thought of ‘what if’ could cause someone such heart palpations that they froze or ran for their lives.
That was until the one day everything changed. I came face to face with one of Lucifer’s own spawn. Yes, I am talking about Australia’s own Huntsman spider. I learned a hard lesson in life that day. You see, I grew up on a 10.5-acre property at the bottom of a mountain. Rainforest started at the top and merged into bushland that enveloped our property. Peaceful, fresh air, sprawling paddocks with horses, wallabies, koalas and lots of possums. As we were on the property, we relied on tank water as we were not connected to the main lines that the closest town was privy to. This meant that we often shared the showers between siblings. We would stand in the tub together, and swap, one went under to washed while the other caked themselves in shampoo and soap. Then, swap again, and one rinsed while the other commandeered the conditioner. It was a production line, but it worked. Fast and simple with very little waste of water.
Anyway, so I followed my older sister into the bathroom and prepared for ‘operation clean’. So my sister pulled the shower curtain back, and for some old reason, it was darker than usual. There was a good sized window that had a latch handle that we could open to prevent mould building. It usually let in a surprisingly large amount of light. My sister was in front of me and was the first to react.
“oh shit. This one’s bigger” she calmly stated. Now, living where we did, I have seen plenty of large spiders before, and I did not quite comprehend her reaction, as calm as it was. I had seen some that were large, but this freak of nature was taking up most of the window. My sister, much to my horror, reached over and unlocked the latch to the window – just millimetres from the demon’s crotch and said: “come on buddy – I prefer you outside”.
Prefer?!? Prefer?!? I would have used the term insist or Demand. The moment I locked eyes with the creature I finally understood what true fear is. I mean, he (or she – I didn’t stop to ask) was so big, you could have slapped a saddle on it and rode it back to Hell where it obviously came from. So while the blood rushed from my head and my legs turned to jelly, my sister casually leant forward and proceeded to ‘shoo’ the demon out. Once it disappeared outside, she gently shut the window and turned the shower on. Looking at my white and fear-filled face, she tried to lighten the mood.
“It’s creepy when they watch you” she laughed. “Especially when you are naked” she continued joking.
“That’s what you are worried about?” I screeched. “I thought it came to take my soul to hell” I whimpered. I was frozen in place. My heart still beating almost through my chest.
“You’re so dramatic” she rolled her eyes at me and finished showing.
Now – You should know – My sister is a saint (and if anyone was to ever argue otherwise, I would beat them with a cabbage roll). She is the most awesome person I know. But that day I decided she was either a warrior or clinically insane. As she seems to harbour no fear whatsoever, I have decided to go with the warrior option. Unfortunately, my genetic makeup has created a wuss. You see, from that day on, whenever I saw a huntsman spider, I remember back to that fateful day. I have never gotten over that fear.
Fast forward about 12 years when I was sitting in my room minding my own business. I looked up from my book, just in time to see a hand sized demon approach me across the tiles. Panicking, I grabbed the nearest bottle. I aimed and sprayed for my life. Looking back, that was not my best decision of the day. I was so blinded by my fear that I did not, in fact, retrieve the insect spray. Instead, I had actually grabbed a can of my deodorant. This proceeded in my screaming blue murder and the beginnings of what we now refer to as ‘the chase’. You see – The deodorant didn’t do anything to the demon except make it smell nice, and well…Piss it off! I guess it didn’t like Lynx? Because its next move was to rear on 4 legs and chase me at about 2 metres per second faster than I could run. Once again, my hero sister came to my aid and removed it. After it had all gone down I found that my heart was still hammering in my chest. Nope! Facing it didn’t help. The fear is still strong in this one.
Forward another 5 years and I was, yet again, faced off with Hell’s creatures. Only this time it was much, much worse. My, then partner, was in our bedroom poking at a moving sack in the corner of our room. The brave (insert sarcasm) soul was using a ruler of course. I, on the other hand, have learned from past mistakes. Therefore, I was prepared this time. I had a full large can or Mortien on hand just in case. I also had a lighter on hand as I had just finished lighting a candle. So while dingbat was poking the squirming sack like thing in the corner I quickly got ready for foreboding battle. My gut just told me this was going to end badly. Sure enough, the said object was, in fact, an entire sack of baby huntsman spiders. Hundreds of them, and once that sack was open, the little demons ran for their freedom. So while the wannabe hero ran from the room screaming, I was quick to react. Despite my ever-present fear, I went into attack mode and sprayed those hideous creatures for all it was worth. Since I also had the lighter, instinct kicked in and the lighter was added to the equation, thus creating a blowtorch of epic proportions. I burned each and every demon before they made their bid for freedom. Turns out, it was pretty effective. Still, during the event and even after, my legs were jelly and I was bordering heart failure. Face the fear – I was victorious, yet still terrified.
The next major incident happened a few months ago. My eldest daughter is the one who usually is calm and removes any spiders that attempt to make their way into the house. She doesn’t like to kill them but does comfortably move them far into the backyard. Yet this particular day, even she was apprehensive as it rivalled the size of her hand. Perched behind the door on her wall it gave her an almighty fright as it came into view right beside her. She quickly shut the door and looked at me for help. Silly kid. So we decided to put towels into the cracks in the door frame to try and stop it from escaping into another part of the house. I told her that anything that was in her room, anything she once owned is now gone. To give it up – It’s all lost forever and her room has a new owner – Harold the Hairy Huntsman. So my daughter reluctantly slept on the couch for 3 days until I could convince a pest control technician to come to my house and remove the offending demon. Long story short, the spider had found its way out of her room, and died in the hallway linen cupboard at the hands of Ahmed – my local pest control hero. I know it died as I made him show me a body, for evidence. Still, I didn’t sleep well those 3 nights waiting, and again, I was reminded how people live with fears.
A couple of nights ago another huntsman demon the size of a tennis ball was spotted by my youngest daughter on the lounge room floor. Just sitting there like it owned the place. My daughter turned to get a container to trap it in until she could get it outside, and not even 30 seconds later, it was gone. So as I was drifting off to sleep for the night, she came into my room to tell me what happened and to not worry, but just keep an eye out for it. Yeah right. So I was wide awake now. Not even 3 hours later my oldest daughter called out to me asking for the insect repellent. I had a feeling that I knew where this was going. She told me that she was playing a game on her laptop when she suddenly felt like someone was watching her from her right. She looked up and sure enough in her wastebasket, the demon sat. It was clearly plotting how to take over my house. Trying to ‘face my fear’ I got up with shaky legs and a palpitating heart. All I heard was the blood rushing through my veins. But I managed to drown that fucker in about 500ml of high strength Mortien. Once it twitched its final limb and curled in on itself it finally died. My daughter took the wastebasket outside while I danced a foolish yet epic victory dance.
So yeah! I will climb heights, jump from cliffs into water, get on any roller coaster or ride, watch any horror film (except arachnophobia – obviously), I will speed skate on ice or make an attempt at any adrenaline inducing activity you could imagine. I would try to pet animals that are likely to try and devour me without blinking (I tried petting a few wild dingos once – lesson learned) but if something has more than 6 legs and runs faster than Usain Bolt, I’m a puddle of a hyperventilating coward. I will try to fight the demons due to necessity, but I will not, under any circumstance, be brave about it. And no matter how many times I have faced this fear, I have not grown stronger in any way shape or form. I have become industrious – Yes. Smarter in my war tactics – Yes, but I leave brave to my sister and teenage daughters. I am a coward when it comes to big hairy Huntsman spiders. There – I said it! And if you make fun of me – so be it. So remember the episode of the Simpsons, where Homer was making fun of Marge for her fear of flying. And Marge responded so simply, yet effectively. I will leave you with this. Sock Puppets!!!
Lilith xo
Awkward Adult 