I watched her move towards her audience. No one was interested in the performance that was about to happen in front of them. The noise in the room was distracting. Loud vibrations all over each other trying to fight for dominance. My hands began to get clammy as my blood coursed through my veins. Slowly the noise was drowned out by the liquid pump that was my heart. I could hear every pump that circulated the blood through my body. It was so loud that I thought for sure, I was about to have a heart attack. As I closed my eyes I could see the red fluid move through my veins in my eyelids. There was a swooshing sound that accompanied each motion. I could feel my body shaking. Small fits that threatened to out pump my heart.

 

As I swiped my face I could feel the moisture from my brow. My breath hitching at every intake, I couldn’t get enough oxygen in at all. I tried to focus on something else. Not the chaos of voices and movement around me, something closer. Something like…that! A clatter. I furrowed my brow as I tried to concentrate on that noise, and it only. I needed to stop my own terrors before my heart gave out or my body forgot how to breathe. The racket changed. It sounded like an explosion, yet contained. The echo from the object reverberated on wood. The aftershocks following in tightly muted waves. I could hear the other person. She moved in graceful swoops, yet her response to the dropped item earned an undignified murmur of “Fuck”!

 

StressedOutFaceAs I opened my eyes, I connect with hers. Her eyes presented frustration, nervousness, and excitement, but no fear. I held enough for both of us. She smirked at me and mouthed a “hi”. How can this stranger be so eager and able to do this? It’s unfathomable. No, it’s terrifying. She must not be human. “It’s OK” she whispered. What?! No! It was really not ok. Couldn’t she see that I was minutes from death? My heart drummed louder, faster. I could feel the tears prick my eyes as I willed them away. I was now quivering. My whole body shook as I contemplated what I was about to do. Every fibre in my body was screaming for me to turn around and run in the other direction. No one was watching me yet, only her. I could do it. I could run. She wouldn’t be able to catch me. Not that she would try, I’m just another stranger.

 

Time seemed to stop as if the whole world paused. All the background noise faded. I looked over to her and she was lost in her own world. No one really paid attention. I peered through my lashes and saw the controlled chaos. Men playing snooker – loud – obnoxious, their hands full of beer and pool cues. At the bar, pretty young women were being bought drinks by men trying to make an impression. Bartenders watching everyone, everywhere, trying to ensure that everyone inside was safe from each other, and from themselves. I still couldn’t hear. The tables in front of the woman were half full. Judging eyes peering at her with creased brows.

 

The woman was calm. She was saying something, I couldn’t hear. Her eyes were closed. One hand was up as if she was touching an invisible barrier between herself and everyone out there. Her mouth moved. I still couldn’t hear. Time seemed to stand still. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing. Unexpectedly I felt a tap on my shoulder. Opening my eyes, I was faced with this beautiful woman. She was talking to me, trying to pass me an object from her hand. Suddenly, like a typhoon, a wave of noise hit me hard. All at once the noise washed over me. Right. She was talking to me. “S-sorry?” I stutter. “Your turn girl” she smiled. “it will be ok. Just close your eyes and pretend that they are not there. “Thanks,” I whisper. I took the item from her hand and walked forward towards the front of the room.

 

Looking at the table in front of me 3 guys, and 2 girls were catcalling. The guy in the middle was holding up $40 in small notes. I realised how pathetic I was that I would do this for the cash. Is that what I have become? Evidently, the answer was yes. The music started and I pulled the object in my hand to my mouth. ‘Fucking friends, with a fucking dare. Fucking Karaoke’ I thought, and then I started singing.

 

Lilith xo