OMG! Are you for real? Part Two

Let’s continue my epic winnings in life shall we? After establishing my shortcomings in my younger years, I’m sure you probably thought – ‘oh, she’ll grow out of it’ I mean I already broke the misconception that ‘it comes in threes’.  And please don’t get me wrong, the clumsy aspect is an everyday occurrence, but these tales that I am sharing are far beyond what most people would deem as rather normal. So now I whisk you to my early Twenties. Hold on tight, I will probably end up giving you a mild concussion, accidentally of course.

 

6. Hey, wanna meet Nemo? He’s small, cute and …. Fried?! Oh, Shit!

I have always loved pets, and I particularly loved aquariums. My grandfather used to have a large aquarium in his basement. And I would hobble my four-year-old self down there to sit and watch the fish for hours. So in my twenties, I discovered a partner who shared this love. And we thought, the bigger, the better. And it was. For a little while. Then one day while my partner was at work, I thought I should clean the tank. Now the cleaning part was fantastic. When I finished – the water was clear, the plants looked lush, and the fish very happy. But as I was putting the lid on I struggled with the long light fixture. And rather than wait for my partner to get home, then asking for help,  like a normal person – I just stretched my arms the whole length and tried in vain to attach it to the lip of the glass. Except – as I was putting it down, it slipped. Of course, the light was on at the time. Yeah, it did happen. The whole light fell into the water and I got a rather funny feeling jolt through my veins. My hair stood on end for a few hours later. But despite that fact that I managed to get slight electrocution, it was my scaly friends who really suffered. I scrambled to turn the power off at the wall. Although my whole house shut down rather dramatically as I heard the fuse box pop. So I struggled to get the light out. Took it to the Backyard to dry it and remove all evidence of my clumsiness. Except, now, all my happy little friends were rather quiet. In fact, they stopped swimming and were practising their floating techniques on the surface. So when my partner came home, he found me in a sobbing mess on the floor stuttering to him that I am a murderer. He, of course, was more worried about my electrocution, no matter how mild. But despite the fact that for a few weeks after the incident, anyone who touched me received a rather nasty shock, I was ok. So much for my scaled housemates! I don’t think I’ll ever really get over that.

 

7. Every Rose has …Son of a bitch!

Still in my twenties, I was learning that although in some areas I learned quickly, other areas – not so much. My sense of danger was basically non-existent. You see, it all started with a rosebush. The Beautiful thing it was. Lovely Champaign roses. Smelled great, and looked even better.  The first tryst I had with this beautiful rosebush was when I was on a step ladder trying to wash the window perched above it. Nothing too high, on flat ground, opened properly, no one should really fall off such a short stable device. I guess the designer never met me. I’m not going to lie – I fell off the step as I was leaning to the corner of the window and practically crushed the innocent rose bush. It had its revenge though as I found out just how many thorns each stem can have. I came out looking like I had fought an entire clowder of alley cats! And I don’t know if you have ever noticed, but small superficial cuts tend to bleed. A lot. Which brings me to the second round with my beloved rose bush. You would have thought that I learned my lesson the first time. Clearly, I’m a slow learner. The next rendezvous was late one night when I stumbled home half-drunk from a girls’ night out. I had, of course, managed to leave my keys in the designated driver’s car. And after the ruckus the non-sober folk caused for the poor DD, I was not brave enough to call her and suggest she do a u-turn and bring me my keys. That was a call I would make when I was sober enough to drive to her house and bring a sorry present. Anyway, back to the rose bush. Or rather the window above the rose bush that was slightly ajar. I did of course bang on my front door several times.  And on other windows begging my partner to let me in. However, that Man could sleep through a nuclear fallout and not stir. So basically, I figured in my half fuzzy state that I could totally get my ass through the little window all the way up there. Why is it that when we drink we have these ‘great’ ideas that just don’t seem so great when we are sober? I’ll tell you why. Because they are in fact – not great ideas. I discovered this whilst trying to use the downpipe on the wall of my house as a base to launch myself towards a tiny window sill that’s 1.5 metres off the ground seemed like an easy exercise that night. On reflection, not so much of a grand idea. As you would have guessed, the down pipe did just that. Came down. With me attached. What a sight it must have been. Arms and legs flailing everywhere. Since it was summer, I was in shorts and a singlet shirt at the time. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. Unlike the first time I studied that rosebush at close proximity, this time, I managed to get my drunken ass truly tangled in the bush. I struggled for what felt like hours. My partner found me the next morning. Curled in a bloody mess right in the middle. Many, many thorns embedded into parts of my body, I didn’t even know existed. We moved at the end of that lease. I could never look at that rose bush the same again. I don’t know who felt more violated, me or the rosebush. Probably the rose bush actually.

 

8. Let’s get to the root of the problem.

In my mid to late twenties, I decided I wanted to try the whole going to university to get an education thing. It was a fantastic time in my life, met a few people my age, that were doing the same thing, and of course some younger people who I am still friends with now. It is also where I met one of my best friends to this day. He has probably witnessed more of my ‘incidents’ than anyone else. Let’s call him tall, dark and half-Italian. So our group of friends had managed to commandeer an area right smack in the middle of the campus and call it out own. It was a grassy field, smack between both of our lecture theatres, with one big tree right in the middle. The tree was the problem. Or maybe it was just me. Ok, it’s more than likely that the problem was me. You see, half of the tree roots were covered with the beautiful lush soft green grass. The other half were exposed and tangled into the dirt.  Of course, everyone would sit under the tree in the shade. The Australian sun is hot in summer. And that, of course, is where the problem lies. I would always be so excited to catch up with everyone, that I thought running towards them all was fine. I should have learned the first time. But I think we have now established that I am apparently a slow learner. EVERY time I ran, jogged or even walked to the tree to meet everyone, I would get my feet caught in the tangle of root on the exposed side. EVERY TIME!!!! Who does that? And every time – tall, dark and half-Italian would laugh his ass off rather than help me up. (One of the many reasons I love him to death.) One time, in particular, I was jogging over to the group ( the first mistake was to jog), and sit and have lunch with them. I had left my bag on the ground before I went to the café to get my caffeine intake. As I made my way back, I was happy to see my group. As I neared my place under the tree, I got my foot caught under an exposed root. Managed to tip the entire contents of my scalding coffee all over myself and my bag. And then land face first into what I soon discovered was an ants nest. Bull ants. OR Bully ants as I like to call them cause they attack unprovoked. Ok, So landing in their nest was probably considered provoking, but it was an accident. So with my face covered in dirt and about 6 millimetres from an ants nest, my shirt and bag covered in a long black, and my foot still caught in the root of the tree, my supportive wonderful friends laughed their asses off. Yeah sure thing guys, don’t worry about helping me. I’m good.

 

9. OMG, I’ve missed…*Splat*!

Sometimes life gets so busy, that time struts past before you realise that you haven’t seen someone in quite some time. In my early thirties, I had organised to meet up with Tall, dark and half-Italian as I hadn’t seen him in over a year. And quite frankly I missed him. He makes me laugh more than anyone. Although my Portuguese bubble-of-fun comes a very close second in the making-me-laugh department. (They are two of the main reasons, I will be eternally grateful that I went to university when I did) So anyway, this wonderful afternoon, it was a cool but sunny Thursday. We decided to meet at the café we hung out at during our Study days, and I parked myself outside on the balcony. There was only one other table occupied. I had managed to get comfortable and squeezed myself in the corner with my legs up on one of the spare chairs. When my friend arrived I was super excited and jumped up to give him a hug and say hello. In doing so, I reminded him of all my shortcomings or personality defaults. Because I had a typical ‘OMG are you for real moment’. As I got up, not only did my belt get caught onto the rim of the table, but my foot itself got caught in the rungs of the back of the chair. So basically, I took the table and chair with me as I moved. My coffee decorated the table, and once my belt freed me from the table, I went ass over the chair, almost breaking my leg in the process.  I ended up a tangled mess on the floor. The couple on the other table were not sure what to make of the situation, although both were clearly following polite etiquette as they struggled not to laugh out loud at me. Tall dark and half-Italian on the other hand was doubled over practically gasping  for breath in as he laughed at my misfortune. Then he told me how much he missed me. Or my ‘moments’. To this day, he still brings it up as one of my finer classic ‘Lilith’ moments. But in all fairness, I still laugh every time too. Because let’s face it. I leave an impression.

 

10. Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it’s off to work we…choke?!

As time goes on, I realised that these moments were never going to go away. I am just one of those people who have harnessed the clumsy gene. And I am still learning to wear the title, although sometimes reluctantly. Recently at work, I was reminded that this art of my being, was here for life. Yup, another day, another moment I almost killed myself in front of a witness. I was finishing up at work. It was after 5pm and all of my colleagues, bar one, had gone home. Actually, come 5pm, it like a mass exodus of the building. But anyway, this particular afternoon, my colleague and I were working back. I was finishing a file, and typing feverously. I was close to done and got a little excited. The next chain of events happened in a swift seamless motion. I managed to knock over my coffee mug (still half full) all over my files and near the keyboard. As I jumped into action to clean the mess before the keyboard gets damaged, I had managed to forget that I had the telephone headset still attached to my noggin. So basically, as I got caught and tried to spin around to grab tissues, paper towels, anything.  I tangled the chord from the headset around my throat. Several times. The more I tried in vain to tug myself free, the more I tightened the chokehold it had over me. After a harrowing few seconds that felt like a lifetime, I managed to get myself free. I went to the bathroom to wash my face and settle down. Then feeling better returned to my desk. As I tried to sit down and get back to work, I missed the chair altogether. Well, my butt barely touched it when it took off towards the other side of the room. Probably in fear after witnessing what I did to the headset and keyboard. And yeah, you guessed it. I landed ass down on the floor.  5 mins later I gave up and went home for the night.

 

I’m sure that these types of incidents are going to continue. I have had some minor situations and some rather epic ones. But I have a nervous suspicion that I am due for Epic – soon. I guess I better up my health-care cover before my insurance company reads this right! Some people float through life in an effortless aura of grace. They are the star of the show, supreme in every way. I, on the other hand, am clearly cast to be the comic relief. I should still be grateful I suppose. I mean, after all, I’m still in the production.

 

Lilith xo